T.J. Wray with Ann Back Price, Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us After the Death of a Loved One, Jossey-Bass, 2005.
“This is not a psychoanalytical book. Nor is it intended to replace any form of grief therapy or psychological counseling, though it may serve to complement either” (p. x).
Dreams of deceased loved ones can offer an opportunity for healing. They can help us adjust to the loss, remind us that our loved one is still in our life, and offer the chance for one last visit.
The book is structured around four broad categories of grief dreams, giving many examples from real life. There are activities throughout to assist the reader in understanding their own grief dreams. Wray and Price also present information on the grief process and the dream process, connections between grief and spirituality, ways grief dreams can help the pain of grieving, and when to reach out for help.
Though everyone’s experience of grief is unique there are some common elements. There will be emotional and physical symptoms, and even if there aren’t the person can still be grieving. There is no timeframe on how long we ‘should’ grieve. Grief has been described as a process or a journey, and though grief models can be helpful to understand the experience of grief, as grief is ‘fluid’ linear models should not be used proscriptively.
Though Wray and Price note that each person’s grief is different, and the ‘process’ of grief is fluid, they present a fairly standard linear model of grief, even noting that “failure to deal with the death” (p. 18) can lead to a diagnosis of complicated grief. They identify three general grief phases which they use to discuss grief throughout the book: disbelief, disarray, and denouement. Even in this final stage, when we are back in some alignment with the world and might even have located ‘meaning’ in our loss, we are not ‘cured’ from grief, and we will remain forever changed.
They note that sleep is important for rest and recovery from trauma, and to promote memory and creative thinking. Even if we do not recall our dreams, and many people do not, they nonetheless can have a healing function. They can absorb the shock of death, sort out our emotions, continue our inner relationship with the person who has died, and build a creative bridge to the future.
The approach taken toward dreams in this book is underpinned by Jungian notions of the personal and collective unconscious and archetypes. Some grief dreams will contain religious imagery, or other deeply symbolic imagery. There are four categories of grief dreams:
1. In the visitation dream, the dreamer spends time with the deceased in a ‘final visit’. This can recall a memory, sometimes from childhood. Dreamer Katherine says, “The surroundings seem gloomy and nondescript, almost like being in a hometown bar. It is quiet. I am in this place alone, when I turn and see that Grandpa is with me. He is dressed in work clothes. We smoke together. Neither of us speaks, but we look each other in the eyes and communicate without words. Then he is gone” (p. 50). Katherine’s dream allowed her to accept the reality of her grandfather’s death and helped her give up the guilt she felt at not seeing him for a long time prior to his death.
2. In the message dream, the deceased person communicates important information, including instruction or warning, to the dreamer. Dreamer Edna says, “For three nights in a row, my daughter appeared in my dreams, sitting on her bed, reading a book . . . In the dream, I stood in the doorway and watched her. It was clear that she was reading to me, but I couldn’t hear what she was reading and I couldn’t see the title of the book” (p. 69). Though initially frustrated, Edna figured out that her daughter was reading from a journal she kept before she died. Edna located her daughter’s journal and found much comfort in the loving way her daughter had written about her family.
3. In the reassurance dream, the deceased consoles the dreamer by telling them they are doing well in their life, or that the deceased is okay in the afterlife. Dreamer Lily says, “I had my dog, Sophie, put to sleep in the morning, and that night I had a dream about her . . . In the dream, it was a beautiful, sunny, warm day. I was standing in the street when I looked up and saw Sophie running down the street like a puppy, legs flying. She stops, turns, and looks at me. Her eyes are smiling at me. We look into each other’s eyes. I know she is all right. She turns and keeps running with her tail wagging. And then, I woke up” (p. 96). Lily’s dream consoles and reassures her that she made the right decision.
4. The trauma dream can make the dreamer feel powerless and afraid and will often come in the form of a flashback to the traumatic death, whether it be murder, accident, or death by suicide. Dreamer Frank says, “In the dream, I was in a plowed, smoky field with my father. He’s dying and reaching out to me. I am aware that he is already dead in the dream and that he wants to drag me into his world. I am filled with terror” (p. 121). This dream ultimately helped Frank deal with the reality of his father’s death and their difficult relationship.
Those are the most common types of grief dreams but there are other types. Intentional dreams are the dreams we receive when we ask for and incubate them. In lucid dreams the dreamer can knowingly interact with the deceased person. Daydreams are especially useful for those who don’t remember their dreams, and can be used to replace traumatic images. Series dreams, dreams that occur in sequence, can offer different ways to interpret earlier dreams, and a final dream in a series can offer a resolution to questions raised by earlier dreams.
Finally, Wray and Price discuss prophetic dreams. These, they say, are message dreams that might be coincidental or might offer information about forthcoming deaths. Such a dream can offer the opportunity to make health or behavioural changes that could alter the dream outcome. Wray and Price offer some guidelines on how to locate a medium or psychic to work with you and your dreams. If this is something you want to do, BE VERY CAREFUL.
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